Jokes

So there's this guy named Mr. Smith ( let's just say ) and every week his nieghbor comes by to borrow something. So Smith is getting pretty tired of this and one day he decides that the next time his nieghbor comes by to borrow something, no matter what it is, he's not going to lend it out.

The next day the nieghbor comes by and sure enough he says to Smith: "Excuse me, but could I borrow your power saw?". "I'm sorry", says Mr. Smith "but I'm using it right now. In fact I'll be using it the whole day.". "Well, in that case", the neighbor says "would you mind lending me your golf clubs?".
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A guy and a girl had been going out for a long time. Finally the girl asked: "Honey, if we get engaged, will you give me a ring?". "Sure", the guy answered., "what's your number?".
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A woman was walking in a field after church. When she got home later on she realized she'd lost her bible. She hurried back to the field and looked around but couldn't find her bible. Suddenly, as she was about to give up a cow strolled up to her. The animal raised a leg and there wedged in her hoof was the woman's bible.

"It's a miracle!", cried the woman. "No, it's not", said the cow, "your name and address were written inside.".
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A bowl of potato salad walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: "I'm sorry. We don't serve food here".
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A teacher asked her class, What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want in life Is four little animals."

The teacher asked, "Really? And what four little animals would that be, sugar?"

The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed, and of course, I'll need a jackass to pay for all of it "
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"When Hemingway killed himself he put a period at the end of his life. Old age is more like a semicolon"-Kurt Vonnegut