1. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. Now matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Saturday, May 2, 2009
APHORISMS
1. The nicest thing about the future is it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs...
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the Dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that, at class reunions, you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who anxiously awaits his 16th birthday.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4AM: It could be a right number.
13. No one ever says 'It's only a game' when their team's winning.
14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is not everybody has the same size bucket.
17. Do you realize in about 40 years we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)
18. Money can't buy happiness - but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than in a Kia.
19. After 70 if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
2. Money will buy a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs...
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the Dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that, at class reunions, you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who anxiously awaits his 16th birthday.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4AM: It could be a right number.
13. No one ever says 'It's only a game' when their team's winning.
14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is not everybody has the same size bucket.
17. Do you realize in about 40 years we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)
18. Money can't buy happiness - but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than in a Kia.
19. After 70 if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
9 Months Later
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.''Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend .
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?
''Yes, I do.' said Bob'Did you, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?''Well, um, yes !,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.''And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.''Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend .
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?
''Yes, I do.' said Bob'Did you, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?''Well, um, yes !,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.''And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
It's A Nightmare Alright!
Recently my cable company added a station called CHILLER which I guess is suppose to compete with THE SCI-FI CHANNEL as they show old SF/horror TV shows from the '80's and '90's including something that ran from 1988-90 called FREDDY'S NIGHTMARES. Freddy of course being Freddy Kruger the annoying razors for fingers bad guy who invaded kids' dreams in the NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET film series. I guess the franchise was still popular (or Kreuger portrayer Robert Englund had trouble landed better roles and needed a job) so what was more natural than to have a TV anthology in which Mr. K could act like a monsterous Rod Serling, make bad puns and occasionally even star in an episode or two? Well, it may sound good to you!
I was going to wait until I saw all the episodes to write about it but I might not be able to stand many more. The stories are terrible, very boring and stupid and occasionally Twilight Zone rip-offs. Then there's all those bad '80's hair-dos on the actors and actressses. The most interesting one I saw so far featured a very young Brad Pitt and Bill Moseley ("Chop Top" from TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 2).
So Beware!
I was going to wait until I saw all the episodes to write about it but I might not be able to stand many more. The stories are terrible, very boring and stupid and occasionally Twilight Zone rip-offs. Then there's all those bad '80's hair-dos on the actors and actressses. The most interesting one I saw so far featured a very young Brad Pitt and Bill Moseley ("Chop Top" from TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 2).
So Beware!
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Jokes
So there's this guy named Mr. Smith ( let's just say ) and every week his nieghbor comes by to borrow something. So Smith is getting pretty tired of this and one day he decides that the next time his nieghbor comes by to borrow something, no matter what it is, he's not going to lend it out.
The next day the nieghbor comes by and sure enough he says to Smith: "Excuse me, but could I borrow your power saw?". "I'm sorry", says Mr. Smith "but I'm using it right now. In fact I'll be using it the whole day.". "Well, in that case", the neighbor says "would you mind lending me your golf clubs?".
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A guy and a girl had been going out for a long time. Finally the girl asked: "Honey, if we get engaged, will you give me a ring?". "Sure", the guy answered., "what's your number?".
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A woman was walking in a field after church. When she got home later on she realized she'd lost her bible. She hurried back to the field and looked around but couldn't find her bible. Suddenly, as she was about to give up a cow strolled up to her. The animal raised a leg and there wedged in her hoof was the woman's bible.
"It's a miracle!", cried the woman. "No, it's not", said the cow, "your name and address were written inside.".
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A bowl of potato salad walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: "I'm sorry. We don't serve food here".
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A teacher asked her class, What do you want out of life?"
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want in life Is four little animals."
The teacher asked, "Really? And what four little animals would that be, sugar?"
The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed, and of course, I'll need a jackass to pay for all of it "
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"When Hemingway killed himself he put a period at the end of his life. Old age is more like a semicolon"-Kurt Vonnegut
The next day the nieghbor comes by and sure enough he says to Smith: "Excuse me, but could I borrow your power saw?". "I'm sorry", says Mr. Smith "but I'm using it right now. In fact I'll be using it the whole day.". "Well, in that case", the neighbor says "would you mind lending me your golf clubs?".
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A guy and a girl had been going out for a long time. Finally the girl asked: "Honey, if we get engaged, will you give me a ring?". "Sure", the guy answered., "what's your number?".
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman was walking in a field after church. When she got home later on she realized she'd lost her bible. She hurried back to the field and looked around but couldn't find her bible. Suddenly, as she was about to give up a cow strolled up to her. The animal raised a leg and there wedged in her hoof was the woman's bible.
"It's a miracle!", cried the woman. "No, it's not", said the cow, "your name and address were written inside.".
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A bowl of potato salad walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: "I'm sorry. We don't serve food here".
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A teacher asked her class, What do you want out of life?"
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want in life Is four little animals."
The teacher asked, "Really? And what four little animals would that be, sugar?"
The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed, and of course, I'll need a jackass to pay for all of it "
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"When Hemingway killed himself he put a period at the end of his life. Old age is more like a semicolon"-Kurt Vonnegut
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Other Stuff
This is my blog where I write about anything else I feel like writing about which probably isn't much. I'm kind of like quotes and facts and trivia so I'll probably include a lot of that here.
The longest inauguration speech in presidential history was by William Henry Harrison in 1841. He talked for 2 hours! And for some reason he wasn't even wearing a wintercoat and caught pnuemonia. He never recovered and after just one month in office he died.
"I always wanted to kill Hitler"-Tom Cruise
The term "Ponzi scheme" is named after Carlo Ponzi, an Italian immigrant who, in the early part of the 20th Century bilked thousands of New Englanders out of 15 million dollars.
Chinese Checkers were invented in England.
Flamingoes are pink because they eat shrimp.
Karate means “open hand”.
Buzz Aldrin’s mother’s maiden name was “Moon”.
More fun facts some other time.....
The longest inauguration speech in presidential history was by William Henry Harrison in 1841. He talked for 2 hours! And for some reason he wasn't even wearing a wintercoat and caught pnuemonia. He never recovered and after just one month in office he died.
"I always wanted to kill Hitler"-Tom Cruise
The term "Ponzi scheme" is named after Carlo Ponzi, an Italian immigrant who, in the early part of the 20th Century bilked thousands of New Englanders out of 15 million dollars.
Chinese Checkers were invented in England.
Flamingoes are pink because they eat shrimp.
Karate means “open hand”.
Buzz Aldrin’s mother’s maiden name was “Moon”.
More fun facts some other time.....
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